New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
