Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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