woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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