I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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