you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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