I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
