I should be sponsored by Trojan
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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