Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
