i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
