It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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