my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
