im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
