Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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