somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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