I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
