Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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