Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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