I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
