I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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