I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize