If i could tip my vagina, i would.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I didn't notice because vodka
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
