Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
