Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
