my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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