I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
