she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
