hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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