I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
