Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
