we have officially lost it.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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