and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In other news, I just burned my penis
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
