I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
