I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
