I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize