It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
