I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
