If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
His nipple licking is glorious
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