why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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