At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
