I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize