all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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