I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
