so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
