So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
