Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
