He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
