just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
This house was built for laser tag.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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