I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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