Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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