I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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