There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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