My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize