she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
