Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize