what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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