Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
