Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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