By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
