I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize