bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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