good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize