I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
