we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
