is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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