I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
