Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
