i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
